So today I wanna talk about how I tried this whole “get joust” thing. Saw it online, looked kinda wild, figured why not give it a shot myself? Total beginner here, completely clueless. Here’s exactly how it went down.
Thinking It’d Be Dead Simple
Right, step one was finding info. Typed stuff like “how get joust now easy” into the search bar. Boom, tons of stuff pops up. Mostly people talking about needing horses and heavy gear. Like, actual armor? Seriously? My garage has a rusty bike and some old hockey pads, not medieval equipment.
Making My Own “Joust” Gear (A Total Mess)
Decided I gotta start somewhere cheap. Scavenged the house:
- Pool noodles: Found two old ones under the porch. Figured these could be my lances. Floppy as heck.
- Lawn chair frame: Yeah, you read that right. Snapped the fabric off a busted lawn chair. Metal tube thingy.
- Duct tape: Lots and lots of duct tape. My solution to everything.
Poured sweat trying to tape a pool noodle onto one end of the lawn chair pole. It kept drooping sideways like a sad noodle. Tried bracing it with pieces of wood, more tape. Looked ridiculous. Gave up on making a “proper” lance for now.
The Helmet Debacle
Safety first? Dug out my old bike helmet. Added hockey shoulder pads, elbowed my way into a thick winter coat in August. Felt like a puffed-up marshmallow. Could barely move my arms properly, let alone hold anything steady. Climbed onto my old bike instead of a horse, obviously. Couldn’t see sideways worth a darn with the helmet.
The “Practice” Run (Spoiler: It Was Awful)
Got my buddy Dave over. Threw another puffy jacket at him and made him stand across the driveway holding a cardboard box shield. This was our “arena” – just tarmac and weeds. I pedaled towards him, wobbling like crazy under the coat and pads. Tried to aim my sad noodle-lance. Smacked the box hard. The whole lawn-chair contraption just crumpled. Bent metal, tape flying, pool noodle fell off. Almost face-planted trying to stop the bike.
Reality Hits Hard
Stripped off the gear, soaked in sweat, staring at the wreckage. Felt stupid as hell. Realized the truth:
- Actual jousting? Involves heavy things: trained horses weighing a ton, solid steel armor that costs more than my car, massive wooden lances that could actually knock someone flying. Super dangerous. Not weekend DIY material.
- For a beginner like me to “get joust now”? Absolute fantasy. Those “simple guides” didn’t mention needing a fortune, serious training, and maybe a death wish.
So yeah, my grand plan ended with a busted lawn chair frame, a pile of sweaty gear on the driveway, and Dave laughing his ass off filming the whole disaster on his phone. Zero jousting achieved. Total waste of an afternoon and $20 in duct tape I’ll never get back. My wife came home, saw the mess, just shook her head. Now I gotta fix that lawn chair or trash it. Learned my lesson: some things ain’t meant for beginners in a backyard. Done trying to “get joust”. Stick to watching videos.
