So, yeah. Twenty years. It sneaks up on you, doesn’t it? One minute you’re fresh-faced, thinking you’ve got all the time in the world, the next you blink and two decades have blown past. I remember hitting that mark in my career, maybe a bit before my actual work anniversary, but the feeling was there. It wasn’t a party, let me tell you. More like a quiet dread.
I started looking back, you know? Like watching a movie reel of my life, but mostly the work parts. Did all the stuff you’re supposed to do. Climbed the ladder, bit by bit. Got the promotions, the slightly bigger paycheck, the slightly better office view. But I stood there, looking out that window one afternoon, and just felt… flat. Like, really flat. Is this it? Is this the grand prize?
That Sinking Feeling
It wasn’t one big thing. It was lots of little things piling up. Projects started feeling the same, just different names. The challenges weren’t challenging anymore, just annoying. I saw younger folks coming in, all bright-eyed and eager, and I felt a pang of something – jealousy? Nostalgia? Maybe just tired.
I started questioning everything. Was this the right path? Did I make a wrong turn somewhere? Should I have taken that other job offer 15 years ago? You drive yourself nuts thinking like that.
My process wasn’t very scientific. It mostly involved:
- Staring blankly at my computer screen, pretending to work.
- Drinking slightly more coffee than usual.
- Having vague, unsatisfying conversations with my wife about “feeling stuck”.
- Looking at job boards for wildly different careers, then closing the browser thinking, “Nah, too risky.”
Remembering the Grind
It brought back memories of the early days, too. The hustle. Working crazy hours, thinking I was building something massive. There was this one project, years back, we poured our souls into. Late nights, weekends, greasy takeout food. We were convinced it was going to change everything. It launched… and fizzled. Didn’t crash and burn spectacularly, just sort of faded away. Nobody even talks about it now.
And I realized, maybe that’s what was getting to me. The fear that these 20 years were just… busywork. Lots of effort, lots of time, but maybe nothing really lasting to show for it. Just keeping the wheels turning. It’s a tough pill to swallow.
Finding Some Peace (Sort Of)
So, what did I do? Did I quit my job and move to a remote island? Nope. Still here. Still doing mostly the same stuff. But something shifted inside, I guess.
I stopped chasing some imaginary “legacy”. Stopped comparing myself to others, or even to my younger self. I started focusing on the day-to-day a bit more. Trying to find satisfaction in small wins, in helping out a colleague, in actually solving a tricky problem, even if it wasn’t glamorous.
I also made a conscious effort to do more outside of work. Picked up an old hobby. Spent more actual, focused time with the family, not just being in the same room while scrolling on my phone. Little things.
It’s not like I found some magic answer. The “crisis” didn’t vanish overnight. Some days, that flat feeling still creeps in. But it’s different now. It’s less like panic, more like a reminder. A reminder to check in with myself, to make sure I’m not just drifting. Twenty years is a long time, yeah. But hopefully, the next twenty won’t feel quite so… automatic. Still figuring it out, one day at a time.
