So yesterday I got this dumb question stuck in my head – should I try running a full marathon or just stick with 5Ks? I mean folks online keep arguing about it like it’s life or death. Decided to screw the theories and actually run both distances this week to see what sucks less.
Tuesday: The 5K Experiment
Dragged my lazy butt outta bed at 6am thinking “this’ll be easy peasy”. Just threw on some shorts and my crusty old sneakers. Didn’t even stretch properly – just did that dumb toe touch thing for like ten seconds.
Took off sprinting like an idiot cause the first kilometer always feels great. Then reality slapped me around kilometer two. Started wheezing like my grandpa after climbing stairs. My phone yelled “PACE SLOWING” which pissed me off so much I almost chucked it into someone’s rose bushes.
Finished in 28 minutes flat, nearly puked behind a dumpster. But hey – whole thing from wakeup to shower took under an hour. Still made my 9am work call smelling like a cheap car air freshener.
Saturday: Marathon Hell Day
Woke up at stupid o’clock thinking “why the hell did I sign up for this”. Spent like 45 minutes just taping my nipples so they wouldn’t bleed – pro tip kids, never forget nipple tape.
First 15K felt decent actually. Then some asshole spectator yelled “looking strong!” right when my knee started twinging. Hit the wall at kilometer 32 – legs turned into concrete blocks. Wanted to quit SO BAD when I saw a goddamn bus stop at km 36.
Finished looking like a zombie extra from The Walking Dead. Clock said 4 hours 56 minutes. Couldn’t walk down stairs for three days and spent more on pizza that night than the race entry fee.
The Ugly Truth
After limping around for a week, here’s what I figured out:
- Time vampire: Marathon eats your whole life – training feels like a part-time job
- Pain scale: 5k hurts for an hour. Marathon hurts for a week
- Bragging rights: Nobody cares about your 5k time but marathons get Instagram likes
- Snack situation: You can run 5k with zero prep. Marathon requires military-level fuel planning
Honestly? If you’ve got kids or a real job, just do the damn 5K. But if you’re young and stupid with too much free time – maybe try a marathon once so you can shut up about it later. Me? I’m sticking with beer league softball.
